He fits in my little hands.

This time it's a milestone for me. I got to hold him in my arms last night! It was amazing. At first it was weird because you can't just pick him up; a duo of nurses has to set it all up. First, I sit down in a big comfy chair right next to the incubator. Then one of the nurses undoes all of his tubes and wires, and the other places Cole in my arms while the other then moves all the tubes and hoses over to me and arranges them over my shoulder so they reach Cole properly. At first this isn't the soothing wonderful experience you'd think it might be, because yes, I am holding him, but they're manipulating him with their rubber gloved hands and plugging him back in and it's a little stressful because I'm constantly thinking "holy crap he's off life support!". But they managed to get everything back together with Cole and me in a comfortable position and then, finally, the nurses are gone. And then it's quiet. I breathe slowly and there's this little ball of warmth snurgling on my chest and I look up at Kate and we smile. I think I sat there for 2 hours without moving. I had to pee and I was starving, but I was the happiest guy on earth and I wasn't going anywhere.

Now, you might think that this was the point at which something clicked inside me and I felt like a father for real. I've been thinking about it, and I think that the aforementioned click is more like a switch in this case. It goes on and off. When I was in the OR with Kate and I was trying to help her through the surgery / birth, I felt like a father and something clicked. And when I saw Cole for the first time and I put my little fingertip in his teeny hand and his hand closed around me and gave a little squeeze, it all felt right. But then I started going back to work and life became semi-back-to-normal. I don't hear him at night while I sleep, and I don't see him in the morning before I go, so it's strangely familiar. Unclick. Every night I get to take his temperature and change his diapers through plastic walls. I get to put my hands on him and comfort him when he's feeling wriggly. It's awesome, but it doesn't really feel THAT fatherly. However, holding him last night?

Click.

I feel weird about one thing. When Kate held him for the first time, I was at work. She took some pictures of herself as she sat and enjoyed it. Last night Kate was there with the new camera and she took a zillion pics so the event was well documented. It just feels weird that there was such a level of fanfare about my holding Cole versus when she did. Evidence that Kate is just a more private person than I am.

So anyway, here's a bunch of pictures of me with the snoozeball.